


The adventures of guy furry

by Silvery_Skies



Category: Diners Drive-ins and Dives
Genre: Spicy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:34:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvery_Skies/pseuds/Silvery_Skies
Summary: Yo I’m low key proud of this one. Fucking enjoy
Relationships: Guy Fieri & Nip Patrol, Guy Fieri & Subway, Guy Fieri & Your Mother, Guy Fieri & Zach Effron, Guy Fieri/Reader, Zack Effron & Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	The adventures of guy furry

You walk into Subway and see a stunning man standing in front of you. You see his flaming shirt and know immediately who it is. He aggressively whips around and you examine his spiky hair and 12 inch platform shoes. You assume that his eyes are glistening because you can't see them under his $2 kitty sunglasses. The woman in front of him catches you staring and she clears her throat and says,   
“Excuse me.” Oh no, maybe they are married. Maybe that is his wife and you just ruined their marriage. You listen to what she is saying in case you have to head out to get another sandwich somewhere else. The lady annoyingly says,  
“What kind of bun would you like and do you want it toasted?” AbOrT mIsSiOn!!! She is angry. You slyly try to slip out of the Subway. Just in case you blindly grab the thing on the closest table. Just when you exit the door you see Guy following close behind you. The only thing you can do is man up and talk to him. You turn around and stare directly into his pink tinted lenses. The key thing in this situation is to show dominance, so you say with confidence,  
“Your fingers look nice.” He looks taken aback. He squints his eyes and you realize what you’ve done. He saw your dominance. How could you be so stupid! You never challenge the king of flavor town. Your idiocy has gotten you in a situation that you can’t win. You take a glance behind you to see if you can run to your dolphin shaped car. It might be a bit far and that could be a risk. You know his long legs can move fast. You’ve seen how fast he moved when there was free lasagna at Home Depot. You look back at Guy, and to your disbelief he is in the same position but he has his aviators on. You know he means business when the kitty glasses come off. Someone has to make the first move. You pull out the ketchup packets from you back pocket because you love to tell people,  
“Oh, don’t you hate it when you sit on ketchup” In all of your days watching Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives you know his weakness is ketchup and foods with an excessive amount of salt. Like I mean enough to turn a lake into an ocean type saltiness. I mean like enough that if you put that amount onto a mushroom it will just give up and turn itself into a french fry from McDonalds. You squirt the ketchup onto his face and he stumbles back a few steps. He wasn’t expecting that. It weakens him a bit, and buys you some time to run so you take a run for your dolphin shaped car.  
Just as you hop in, Guy’s face has been cleared. You severely underestimated Guy’s sheer power. It makes sense why he is the leader of flavor town. You zoom off in your car. You want to leave town but you have to ask your mom for permission. You haven’t talked to her for 20 years, so you don’t know where she is. You do know she works with famous people like Zach Effron and Will Smith. You whip out your flip phone and try to call Zach to find your mom. You hears Zach’s voice and he starts to chant at you,  
“ Together, together, together everyone. Together, together, together lets have some fun.” Maybe this is a clue. Maybe you should decode we’re all in this together. You did as Skippy Jon told you and you tried it backwards, up, diagonal, and even sideways but still no success. You call him once more, and he is again singing to you in his beautiful lust filled voice,  
“We're soarin', flyin'. There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach” The beat hits you hard and your mind ceases to function. It's filled with Zach’s beautiful voice. The next thing you know you are singing along,  
“Yeah we're breaking free! Oh, we're breakin' free. Ohhhh. Can you feel it building Like a wave the ocean just can't control?” In the middle of your singing the music stops and Zach picks up. He says,  
“it seems as though you have finally decided to return my call”  
“I would have sooner if I had known you’d serenade me with your perfectly pitched moans”, you reply “I need your help. Do you know where mother goose currently rests?”  
“ ya”, he says a little suspiciously, “she is with me.”  
“Great! Where are you? I don’t have any welcoming ketchup, but I do have some mayo because it was too spicy for Guy Fieri”  
“Look to your right and I will be there” You take a look to your right expecting to see him on the sidewalk, but It turns out he was just cosplaying as a tissue. He retook his full Zach form.  
“I thought you said you were with my mom” you say  
“I was” he says, “but I left to come lead you to her.” You just accept the fact he looks like a really hot tissue and let him lead to your mom. On your way there you both finish singing the Highschool Musical soundtrack. You arrive at a nipple bedazzling shop. You walk in and you see your mom talking with Will Smith. She welcomes Zach and he takes off his shirt for what you assume is a bedazzling sesion. Out of nowhere Will whips out a telescope and aims them at Zach’s Nips,  
“Ah, that's hot” He says. You turn to your mother to ask your question. All of the sudden she starts morphing. First her fingers turn to sausages, then her stomach suddenly gets a 84 pack ab. It's soon covered by a black t-shirt with red flames. You realize that Zach sold you out to Guy. He finally gets his eyes and you get a quick glimpse of them before they are covered by clip on sunglasses that aren’t attached to glasses. They are instead attached to a flap of skin slowly turning whitefrom lack of blood.  
There is no more running. Not because you finally are man enough to face him, but because Will and Zach stole your dolphin shaped car and zoomed down the street. They only stopped to flirt with another person in a dolphin shaped car. There is no escape. Guy Fieri is already one step ahead. His attack is ready and he has a sandwich with only cheese! How did he know your weakness! As your mouth hangs open in disbelief he takes this moment to precisely throw the sammy so it perfectly goes into your mouth. He makes it and your mouth burns from lack of real flavor. You spit it onto the floor and look him dead in the clip on sunglasses and say,  
“So this is how it's going to go.” You remember the thing you grabbed from the Subway table and pull it out of your pants. It’s a slightly used pancake. Perfect. You see a slightly impressed look from Guy which is the perfect time to strike. He will be more vulnerable. You fling the pancake at him. He dodges it and you both stand there with no weapons. He pulls out your phone out of his pocket and out of pure rage you smack it out of his hand. You underestimated your power and it flings across the room hitting the wall. Guy looks at you at says,  
“Nice move but it's too late.” You blush a little at his compliment, but it’s only for a brief moment because fear drop kicks that feeling out of the way. You hear Guy Fieri yell at the top of his enormous lungs,  
“NIP NATION ASSEMBLE!” You quickly turn around and out of nowhere a bunch of people show up. Standing in a group is Will Smith as a genie, Danny Devito, Jeff Bezos with his shiny head, and Curious George. Leading them is none other than Zach Effron with his newly bedazzled nips. They start slowly approaching you while snapping their fingers like the Sharks. They snap to the beat of the song they are singing.  
“Nip patrol, nip patrol, we’ll be there on the double. Nip patrol, nip patrol, whenever you’re in trouble.” The intimidation of the song catches you off guard. You run into Guy who falls over and you topple onto him. You may not have any weapons and be outnumbered but there is one thing that you can do. Take off his beloved glasses. You turn around and swipe at his glasses. They came flying off but he was prepared. There is a pair of cat eye glasses underneath that you weren’t expecting. Once again you smack them off and put your hand up just in case there are another pair that are futuristic or something. But no, underneath are his eyes. His bare, sunglassesless eyes. They send out a beautiful beam of light that blinds the members of nip nation. You stare directly into his beaming eyes and you immediately fall in love.  
You stand up and offer Guy a hand. He accepts it and you two realize you are destined for each other. Your kidneys fill with butterflies when you look into his eyes. Slowly, you approach each other. The feeling is mutual. You lean closer and Guy puts out his arms and so do you. Together you rub elbows for a moment. Then you break away and smile together. At each other, happy that you’ve finally found that special little monkey. As you walk off you reach your hand back to get a fist full of that meaty ass. You can feel all the flaps of his cake as you make your way out the door. You two hop into his Costco inspired car and drive off into the sunset.

2 years later

You and Guy happily live in a small home in Santa Rosa, California. You two have 28 children even though you insisted on 33. You guys decided to name your children generic names just like Guy’s. You walk into the kitchen and your eldest son, Person, is boiling fruit loops and it gives off an aroma of Stanley from across the street. Guy is nowhere to be found. You decide to look behind the giant bottle of sriracha sauce. You enter the door and your jaw drops with shock. Guy is rubbing elbows with Zach Effron! He looks at you and says,  
“ I was just repaying him for letting me borrow his fortune cookie!” In absolute disbelief you say,  
“You were sharing fortune cookies?!?! That's our thing!” You run out of the room and grab your favorite children White Girl Number 16, Human, and Child the 2nd. You hurl them into your squirrel car powered by your children’s leg hairs. You start zooming down the street and your children are smacking against the walls and tumbling everywhere. You plan to go to Lumpkinell’s house and tell her what Zach was doing with Guy. You get ejected out of the car because it ran out of leg hair. You just decide to walk your way there. You grab your children and throw them into your bag. On the way there you find a kid named Girl under a bush. You decide to pick them up and stuff him into your bag too. You reach Lump’s house and burst through the door.  
“Guy and Zach have been sharing fortune cookies and rubbing elbows!” you shout. Fear spreads across Lump’s face. You open up your bag and pour out your children.  
“AaAaAaAaAh!” Lump shrieks “What is Girl doing here?!?! I don’t want them anymore”  
“Oh” you say. You grab Girl and dropkick them out the door. Lump looks at you with total amazement at how far you kicked that child. She walks up to you and puts her hand on your shoulder. You lean closer and start rubbing elbows and knees. You are levitating, but it doesn’t even matter anymore because you guys are in love. You break away and white girl number 16 asks,  
“What do we do now?” You and Lump look into each other’s eyes and say together,  
“Build a rifle” You, Lump, and your kids work together for hours slaving over a giant rifle. Then finally, you make it. It’s the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. Child the second grabs the gun to test it out. KER CHA CLICK! The rifle explodes. The explosion was massive. Bigger than the pile of extra pieces when your building ikea furniture. Even bigger than my collection of plastic knives. It may have been a bit too big. Oop!. You have destroyed the whole human race.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m thinking about making a sequel that takes place in bikini bottom. If you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments :3


End file.
